idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
You Might Also Like
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Friday night party time 🥳
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.