I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
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Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
U talkin 2 me?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Blew my mind.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare