Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My daily affirmation
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.