Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
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I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I identify as an antique shop.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
thank god
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…