The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.