a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.