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Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides