My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Oh yeah that’s it
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart