Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
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Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.