I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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I donāt need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma canāt cure.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I donāt have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
When someone asks you āwhat is it that you like about me?ā
āYouāre gluten-freeā isnāt the answer they want to hear.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well donāt let it happen again
me: whatās our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this š
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My son just called his mom an āinterrupting chickenā so Iām real keen to see how this plays out
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. Youāre welcome.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
If Iām struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later Iāll meet someone who hasnāt heard my old jokes.
Some days I canāt believe my son is 3 Ā½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
*slams a five on the counter*
āBartender! Give me another!ā
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!