Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.