My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Botany good plants lately?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year