Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.