[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
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Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD