Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Oops
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
COME ON KRUSE #fencing