Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.