Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”