Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
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[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Donkey Kong sommelier
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.