Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
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Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
#ProTip
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
*serious situation*
My brain: