Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.