Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
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According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Worlds greatest photobomb
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.