[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
You Might Also Like
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I pray every night that I never become religious…
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.