“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
This week’s mood.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard