I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
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my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me