me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
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Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.