I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
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How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?