A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Boom, boom, ching!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter