“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
back to work
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
same bro
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Ok, but like, how married are you?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze