“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
tell em, edith-anne
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me