Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins