I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Battery falling down a hole
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]