Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time