TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow