No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
o shit
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.