This cat wants you to take your pills
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Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders