My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
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5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…