I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
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The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.