How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”