Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.