11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
You Might Also Like
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight