I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.