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for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.