I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
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My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.