It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.