The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Good advice.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.