My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Just why bro?!
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Finally, an explanation.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.