*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Made something I’m not proud of
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*