Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host