What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
*puts cutlery down*
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.