What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter